I just realized that we are almost done with this year and there is nothing I have done for my emotional growth but numb my emotions.
I just realised that the days and months have just been going by and I have merely been living through the moment rather than living in the moment. Always stuck in my head not wanting to explore what my heart might be saying.I have been blocking out negativity and went abit overboard to block everything else out.. even good things. Am not miserable no don’t get me wrong am just there.. I don’t know if anyone can relate to what I am talking about but I’ll try my best to show you where I am at.
It’s been so long since I last enjoyed a good time without thinking of how it will all just end and that the next day it will be reduced to ashes.. looking for the bad in things rather than the good.
One thing I bash myself about is how judgemental I have become. I trust noone not even myself I just brush off anyone who is nice to me as a nuisance ok apart from close friends those ones are just for life! I have become so close minded that I do not listen to people’s opinions without at one point switching off and in the end just undermining them.
I have been avoiding conflict for so long that I have not been open to meeting new people because one thing I have learned for a fact is that people are different and that the more people you know the less likely you are to enjoy inner peace because people are just full of it ( avoiding harsh words).
So I have learned to just shut people out for the sake of my own peace which is good for growth on one hand but when overdone becomes quite selfish, which is what I have become.
I have been playing it soo safe for so long.
Now this whole thing is not a promise or a realization that I need to change because I actually like this.
I actually like being selfish
I actually like my peace
Heck! I don’t even like people😂