Numbness

I just realized that we are almost done with this year and there is nothing I have done for my emotional growth but numb my emotions.
I just realised that the days and months have just been going by and I have merely been living through the moment rather than living in the moment. Always stuck in my head not wanting to explore what my heart might be saying.I have been blocking out negativity and went abit overboard to block everything else out.. even good things. Am not miserable no don’t get me wrong am just there.. I don’t know if anyone can relate to what I am talking about but I’ll try my best to show you where I am at.

It’s been so long since I last enjoyed a good time without thinking of how it will all just end and that the next day it will be reduced to ashes.. looking for the bad in things rather than the good.
One thing I bash myself about is how judgemental I have become. I trust noone not even myself I just brush off anyone who is nice to me as a nuisance ok apart from close friends those ones are just for life! I have become so close minded that I do not listen to people’s opinions without at one point switching off and in the end just undermining them.
I have been avoiding conflict for so long that I have not been open to meeting new people because one thing I have learned for a fact is that people are different and that the more people you know the less likely you are to enjoy inner peace because people are just full of it ( avoiding harsh words).
So I have learned to just shut people out for the sake of my own peace which is good for growth on one hand but when overdone becomes quite selfish, which is what I have become.
I have been playing it soo safe for so long.
Now this whole thing is not a promise or a realization that I need to change because I actually like this.
I actually like being selfish
I actually like my peace
Heck! I don’t even like people😂

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A safe haven

In my previous blogs I have expressed my sadness or depression which has been a good outlet but now I want to share with you how I got to overcome all that emotional turmoil. The struggle has been real and even now I cannot say I have achieved fullness of peace of mind . Now you need to understand something that is kind of a cliche that you are the determinant of your own happiness you know most people just say this but they don’t live it.

I for one cannot say that I always believed this statement up until now. I battled with anxiety because of uncertainity, battled with depression because of circumstances. But why should we be prisoners of circumstance or afraid of uncertainity. This is where I talk about letting God. You know even the bible says that God provides for the birds. So why should we be worried .If you’re doubting me go check out Matthew 6:26

Once you get to understand that even in the face of whatever it is you are battling with God is in the midst of it all you worry less and live more. This is not a sermon so I hope I haven’t lost some of you along the way. But what am saying is that if something is meant to work out it will.

I remember drowning myself in alcohol or studies or in relationships just because I felt that I was lacking something. What I was lacking was peace of mind peace of heart. That’s how you start to hurt emotionally. You know how society somehow forces you to shut up about your problems yet pretends to want to hear your problems…. but why should I be afraid of talking about my depression or my greatest fears just because one person or ten people or a million people think it’s weak??! Not me !not because I want sympathy or a parade I just want to be heard. Most of us just want to be heard but we pretend that we are strong that we don’t need none of that attention.. I mean I’d die without attention I don’t know about you. We are all just little kids trapped in grown ups bodies..

Another thing I learned to do is mind my own business. I don’t mean in a way that you disregard your friends’ opinions but in a way that you just focus on yourself first before putting yourself out there like an open book. Noone deserves to know you that way! I regret ever letting anyone into my life without thinking through the decision I mean who doesn’t .. but let’s look at the bright side through those experiences am wiser, stronger…you know that song by whitney houston” I didn’t know my own strength “… I relate to that heavily.

Another thing is something I can’t say I have been able to do but am still on the path is to ask myself what do I really want??? Not what is convenient for my friends and family but what I actually want. This one I’ll update you when I have it figured out😝.

That’s all I had for you

Thank you.

BEAUTY🌸👑

Over the years we have seen beauty standards change like technology. Suddenly everyone wants to look like freshly baked muffins which is nice I’d like to look like that too. But we not finna do is try to make people conform to what we find pleasing to our eyes . I just think everyone should be able to be comfortable in what they think makes them happy.
Over the years I’ve had the opportunity to face prejudices because of the way I look. You can’t really please people. I’m saying opportunity not because my english is crippled so to speak but because it is these prejudices that have taught me to love myself.
Many times I see people trying to demonize self love just the other day I read a meme saying ” if she starts talking about self love she is single”
Hells naw what do you mean
I just think people should be able to freely express how they feel about themselves without feeling like they need to make sure they don’t say anything that can be held against them by others.. I mean if you choose to be a self loathing person don’t drag us into it. Am just saying.
But am not saying you should be miserable love yourself you are the only one who can love yourself the way you want to be loved ok also God can do that .
People are always so quick to give you fashion advice “oh honey you shouldn’t have worn that” “oh honey let me be a good friend and tell you not to do your hair like that”
Uh uh If i wanted fashion advice I would have googled abeg
If I wanted hair advice I would have asked you
Am not being rude I just think people should let people be the way they want to be.
People are so quick to give opinions but they don’t know how to take them… don’t be that person.

Not every battle is worth fighting

I am and have been fiesty by nature so the thought of not fighting was and is still new to me but how do I say that I am growing if I don’t learn to let go of things?

My life has been a series of disappointment starting from family to friends to people I hardly know but you know what that’s fine coz I picked up the lessons.Such is life.

If something isn’t working out stop doing it or try a different approach but in this case I’m gonna talk about letting go.

I always wanted things to go a certain way at a certain pace by a certain time but life isn’t about deadlines all the time. Sometimes you just need to stop and look, feel , experience.

You ever just feel like the world is just falling apart and you’re right in the middle of it… It’s like everything you touch breaks or rots … like the world would just be a better place without you (that’s a bit deep don’t think that) 😂

But you know what am saying it’s like everyone and everything is constantly trying you . They are just like shoving their elbows into your ribs …

So you stand up for yourself you speak out your heart not caring what anybody thinks .. you do things because you think it’s the right thing to do but it just worsens. It’s like nobody’s listening ..

So you just sit back and just give the fuck up (a person can only take just enough bullshitting)

That’s where I was I just sat there let it all happen in silence not because I was weak or because I was afraid it’s because I was fed up.

Sometimes silence is like a battle they talk you just listen..

Society 😩 oh society constantly choking us be this way do that don’t feel that but you know what society is not a thing society is us .. we make these things called rules that we have to conform to

It’s like we build our own prisons

Anyway that is for another blog post ..

But you don’t have to fight anymore sometimes you just need to kick back let things be the way they want to be.

Just let jesus do something about it because it’s too much for you ….

Let live 🌸

Melancholy

Am tired
I tried
Am tired
I hoped
Am tired
I cared
Am tired
So tired
Am tired
I am….
I really am
Am exhausted
Am beat
I can’t
I won’t
I shan’t
Am not
I never was
I never did
You never tried
You lied
You watched
You left…

Life 🌸

WANT
Oh how it feels good to want
To want something you don’t have
To want something that may hurt you
To want what you don’t need

FEEL
How good it feels
To feel what is wrong but think is right
How it feels good to belong
But still to stand out

SINK
To sink and not be saved
How devastating it is to sink
To sink alone
To sink to the depths

BREAK
Everyone breaks
Everyone is broken
Everyone is trying to collect pieces of themselves

LAUGH
A good laugh is what most love
A good laugh to cover the shame
To cover the pain
To lengthen our days

A MOMENT
A moment to feel love
To feel accepted
A moment that actually lasts

LOVE
To love and be loved
The best kind of love
The most selfless
The most innocent
The most unconditional
Perfect love
But there is no perfect love

SAD
To be sad
To be in denial
To hurt
To heal
But a scar!!